The Slap Edward Day Choronicles
by the story behind the blowup
Summary: My mind is a strange place. Just a really random and funny story!
1. Slap Edward Day 'Preface'

Slap Edward Day… 'Preface'

Though it is more like an explanation of crazy randomness.

This fic is merely for fun. I am well informed that it doesn't make any logical sense. It started out as one of those writing exercise things, but I continued it when a couple of my friends liked it. And I liked it.

**GLOBAL DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight. Or any of the other random crossovers I throw in, such as The Host, Harry Potter, Dexter, etc. Or any songs I put in.**

Flame it if you wish, but remember – it isn't made to make sense. So, even if you flame it, I won't make it make sense. Because making sense isn't always funny.

R&R and you get cookies, raspberry smoothies, eternal glory, and… a reply!

Questions can be directed to moi. Randomness can be directed to moi. Inspiration for upcoming chapters can be directed to moi… and then I shall feature you as an OC!! Yay!!

And yes, my name is Athena. I put myself in for lack of something better to do. Crazy random writing exercise, remember? And no, I don't really need anger management classes. Though, after reading this, you might be questioning my sanity….

I can't think of anything else to say! Enjoy the fic! I promise to update fairly often!

Happy Twilight Reading,

**jANEvOLTURI**


	2. Slap Edward Day

**A/N: Don't ask about my sanity. Just enjoy the chapter! It is the first in the series... Anyways, this chap has 2,812 words! YAY! Not counting the A/Ns, of course, but they aren't really part of the chapter. Have fun! R & R, please!**

Esme: Doo, doo doo, just cleaning the house!

Edward: Can I have some mac and cheese?

Esme: Why, oh why, would you want a mac and cheese? You'll just barf it up later.

Edward: Thank you for the bluntness; no, actually, I'm getting it for Bella.

Esme: Here!

Edward: Okay. Now if only I could find some mashed potatoes…

Jasper: -runs down from his room at vampire speed and slaps Edward across the face-

Edward: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!

Edward: Is it slap Edward day or something?

Bella: Edward? What's wrong?

Edward: Nothing, I'm just getting your mac and cheese with a side of mashed potatoes!

Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-

Edward: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!

Edward: Wow… Déjà vu.

Emmett: Did I hear a Déjà vu? -runs down stairs in Elvis Presley clothes-

Bella: Edward? Is everything all right?

Alice: HIS NAME IS EDDY!!

Edward: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S EWARD, NOT EDDY, NOT EDDIE, NOT ANYTHING!!

Alice: If it's not anything, then do you have no name?

Esme: -blows whistle- Stop arguing!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Alice: NO!

Esme: YES!

Emmett: IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, EAT MY FACE!

Edward: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!

Edward: Holy potato, it must be 'Slap Edward Day'!

Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-

Edward: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!

Edward: Holy potato, it must be 'Slap Edward Day'!

Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face-

Edward: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Edward across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps Edward across the face- No text language!

Bella: Edward? Is everything all right?

Edward: No! Rabid vampires on the ground floor! -runs up the stairs to Bella and locks the door-

Bella: Ooh! I see you got my mac and cheese! Oh, but you forgot the potato!

Jasper: -kicks down door slaps Bella across the face-

Bella: OW! OW! OW! WTF?

Esme: -slaps Bella across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps Bella across the face- No text language!

Edward: Wow… Déjà vu.

Emmett: I ain't nothin' but a hound dog…

Jasper: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Jasper across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps Jasper across the face- No text language!

Athena: -slaps Esme and Alice across the face- No hitting Jasper!

Jasper: Who are you?

Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-

Alice: wtf?

Esme: -slaps Alice across the face- No swearing!

Alice: -slaps herself across the face- No text language! **(A/N: Imagine Alice slapping herself across the face!)**

Bella: -has been sobbing since she was slapped- You guys, that hurts a human a LOT...

Edward: -slaps Esme, Alice, and Jasper across the face- No hitting Bella!

Athena: -with a new set of identical pom-poms- -slaps Edward across the face- No hitting Jasper!

Jasper: Who are you?

Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-

Alice: Why me? What did I do wrong? I mean… ooh, pretty colors! -strokes pom-poms-

Jasper: My butt is not small!

Emmett: Elvis Presley voice Oh yes it is, honey.

Jasper: NO!

Emmett: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Emmett: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Emmett: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Emmett: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Emmett: YES!

Edward: No, it's massively huge!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Jasper: NO!

Edward: YES!

Athena: It's NOT! Or small!

Jasper: Yeah… but -turns to Athena- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Esme: -slaps Jasper across the face- No swearing!

Jasper: That was NOT a swear!

Esme: Oh yes it was!

Bella: -sobbing- Don't fight, just get me ointment!

Edward: Jasper, you go get it!

Athena: -slaps Edward across the face- Don't boss him around!

Jasper: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Esme: I would slap you, but my hand is too tired.

Emmett: Let's go to the beach, pretty lady.

Bella: Ooh, Emmett is hitting on Esme! -grabs bucket of popcorn-

Edward: Actually, Elvis loved his mother.

Esme: Well, Elvis, go… bark or something. I g2g.

Alice: -slaps Esme across the face- No text language!

Esme: I thought we were on the same side?!

Alice: -snarls- Not anymore. You've betrayed me.

Jasper: I want my mommy... -sucks thumb-

Athena: wtf? Act like a man, soldier!

Alice: -slaps Athena across the face- No text language!

Jasper: -salutes Athena and stands erect-

Athena: At ease, soldier!

Jasper: -lies down on the couch like a mental patient-

Athena: ARG. What happened to posture?!

Jasper: Er, right. Wait, WHO ARE YOU?!

Alice: -wails- NOT AGAIN!

Athena: -throws pom-poms at Alice disappears at vampire speed-

Jasper: So who is she?

Athena: -cheering- Jasper, Jasper, what do you say? I can see you are not gay! Yay! -throws pom-poms in the air, catches them, and throws them at Alice disappears at vampire speed-

Jasper: wtf?

Alice: -slaps Jasper- No text language!

Athena: -slaps Alice- No hitting Jasper! God, what kind of a wife/soul mate are you? Arg.

Bella: OINTMENT, PEOPLE!!

Edward: -runs to get Carlisle at the hospital- Carlizzie-shizzy?

Carlisle: Who?

Edward: You!

Carlisle: -slaps Edward- No calling me that!

Edward: Wow, everyone has seemed to have gotten that message except for me...

Carlisle: What message? And how do you know about it if you didn't get it?

Edward: The message about it being 'Slap Edward Day'.

Carlisle: Um, sorry, never got it.

Edward: That's weird…

Carlisle: What are you doing here?

Edward: I came to get the… well, that's odd, I seem to have forgotten. YOU HAVE DISTRACTED ME FROM MY QUEST!! BE YOU CURSED FOREVER!!

Carlisle: Edward, don't you think shouting that - in the middle of a hospital, no less – is a little conspicuous for the current times.

Athena: It's a little conspicuous for any time.

Carlisle: Who are you? Where did you come from? Do you know me? Do you know Edward? Are you a patient here? Are you a vampire? Why are you here? Why did you contribute to the conversation?

Edward: We don't know, she's been randomly popping up all day and disappearing whenever someone asked her who she is, throwing her pom-poms at Alice. She just sort of pops out of nowhere.

Athena: I think his answers cover your next questions. No, you don't know me.

Edward: I don't think she is a patient here. Why are you asking that in the middle of a hospital? You can sense it, anyways, so you know that leans closer we backs up are in need of no medical care.

Athena: I was bored. Why do you care? I was bored.

Edward: Wow, you really answered.

Athena: Yeah! Hello, do you think I could throw my pom-poms all the way to your house? I can only depart if you ask me who I am near Alice.

Carlisle: Interesting. So you're stuck with us?

Athena: For now.

Edward: What makes you think we'll ask you who you are in front of Alice now?

Athena: Oh, I have my ways. -maniacal grin-

Carlisle: -cowers behind Edward- Eddy, make the scary lady go away!

Athena: -laughs- A yellow vampire!

Carlisle: It's not funny!

Edward: Well, I'm bored here. Let's go home.

Athena: Sure!

Carlisle: I'll go, too. Too much time at the hospital is making me reconsider not drinking human blood.

Edward: -gives Carlisle a weird look-

Athena: Let's get in my car!!

Edward: What kind of car do you have?

Athena: A black Lamborghini Murcielago. See, it's right there! -points to black Lamborghini Murcielago-

Edward: -whistles- Holy Potato, that's a fast-looking car!

Jasper: -slaps Edward across the face runs back home-

Athena: Right at immediate purchase, its top speed is 204 mph or up, depending on aerodynamic configuration. But Rosalie and I have done some work on it!

Carlisle: Rosalie has betrayed us! I know, let's place a three day shun on her! -scribbles in notebook-

Edward: Wow, that's fast.

Athena: -hops in car- It only comfortably seats two, but we can shove Edward in the back.

Edward: What? No!

Carlisle: All's fair in love and war!

Athena: Woe is me, people don't say that enough anymore.

Carlisle: Alas, same with "woe is me".

Athena: Woe is me, same with "alas".

Carlisle: -sigh-

Athena: -slams down on the gas- Here we are!

Edward: -barfs-

Carlisle: I thought vampires weren't supposed to get carsick.

Edward: Well, vampires aren't supposed to be shoved in a tiny space in the back of a car driving at insane, even for a vampire, speeds.

Athena: Liar. He ate some mac and cheese earlier.

Esme: -sing song voice- I told you so!

Athena: Ugh. That's soooooooooooooooo cliché.

Esme: Whateva.

Athena: -rolls eyes-

Emmett: -still in Elvis clothes- -in Elvis voice- They're ba-ack!

All: -rush out front-

Athena: -chatters away-

Kyle: You're letting it tell you its lies? Have you all gone crazy? Or did it lead the Seekers here? Are you _all_ parasites now?

Esme: -slaps Kyle- Wrong book!

Athena: -slaps Esme- No hitting Kyle!

Jasper: Hey! I thought you were supposed to do that for _me_!

Athena: -looks from Kyle to Jasper- I do it for both of you, okay?

Kyle and Jasper: Okay...

Esme: High spirits people! Kyle, would you like a blood muffin? Come inside.

Kyle: wtf?

Alice: -slaps Kyle- No text language!

Esme: -slaps Kyle- No swearing!

Athena: -slaps Alice and Esme- No hitting Kyle!

Bella: WHERE IS MY OINTMENT??

Kyle: A blood muffin? _Blood_?

Esme: Oh. I can see that you are not a vampire.

Kyle: Are you a vampire?

All Vampires in the World: We all are!

Bella: Aaaaaah! All the vampires of the world are in the same yard!

Edward: I'll protect you because I just am that way!

Athena: Just out of curiosity, can vampires break through missile-proof glass?

Edward: I don't _think_ so, why?

Jasper: Idiot! She said why! Just out of curiosity, remember?

Athena: Bella, get in your Mercedes Guardian. Missile-proof glass and four thousand pounds of body armor should hold off the Volturi for long enough.

Bella: Okay! -races to car gets in locks all doors-

Athena: Yellow pet.

Bella: Pet?!

Athena: Yep. You are a human, so therefore, until you get changed, you are the Cullens' pet.

Edward: -raises hand- Objection.

Athena: -pounces on Edward-

Jacob: Ooh! -helps Athena-

Athena: Wow, I though I'd never see the when Jacob Black and I are on the same side!

All Vampires Minus the Cullens, Athena, and Jane: -leave-

Jane: -helps Athena and Jacob- Wait, who is this dog that smells so awful?

All Except Jane: A werewolf!

Jane: Oh. -attacks Jacob-

All Others: -help Jane-

Pack: -runs in and grabs Jacob runs away-

Athena: Haha yellow mongrels!

Bella: I want OUT!

Edward: -presses "unlock"-

Bella: -screams at Athena- I AM NOT A PET!!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Athena: ARE TOO!

Bella: AM NOT!

Edward: Cool! I'm in love with a kitty!

Athena: -pushes Bella away- I'm allergic to you!

Carlisle: Vampires can't be allergic to anything.

Athena: Well I just AM so if you don't like it you can just shove it, 'kay?

Carlisle: Meanie.

Athena: -sticks tongue out-

Bella: Edward? Did you get my ointment?

Edward: Er, Carlizzie-shizzy?

Carlisle: -slaps Edward- No calling me that!

Edward: Er, right. Can you go fetch me some ointment for Bella's face? She got slapped a couple times by vampires.

Carlisle: Okay!

Edward: Wow that was easy.

Carlisle: Oh, don't get me wrong, there's a price.

Edward: -warily- What is it? -turns to look at Bella- Whatever the price is, I shall pay it!

Carlisle: You must give Bella to the Volturi!!

Edward: Okay!

Carlisle: -gives Edward the ointment-

Edward: -gives Bella the ointment-

Bella: What am I supposed to do with this?

Edward: -snatches ointment from Bella- -pours it all over her face-

Bella: I feel strangely non-itchy.

Edward: -looks at label- Hey look, this is itch cream!

Jane: Well, I'll just be taking Bella to the rest of the Volturi, if you don't mind.

Edward: I MIND!!

Jane: Why?

Edward: Carlisle tricked us and gave us the wrong ointment, so Bella still belongs to me.

Kyle: -very confused- What is a Volturi?

Bella: Right, I'll just be taking Kyle up to a room to explain everything.

Athena: -bouncy- Can I come; can I come?

Bella: NO!

Athena: Meanie.

Bella: -sticks tongue out-

Athena: -attacks Bella-

Edward: -puts himself between Athena and Bella-

Athena: Jane! Rosalie! Jasper! Come help me!

Jane: Gladly. I'm all for killing him to get Bella.

Alice: NO!!

Athena: That was too many exclamation points. I prefer to do a simple, modest, three. Like this!!

Jane: That was random.

Athena: Not really.

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Jane: YES!

Athena: NO!

Emmett: -runs in the house-

Edward: Well, are we going to get back to fighting or not?

Jane: -charges at Edward-

Edward: Aaaaaaah! Emmett, help!

Emmett: -steps outside in regular clothes-

Athena: Haha, yellow vampire!!

Bella: -grabs bucket of popcorn watches the fight-

Edward: Someone go chain Bella to a tree in the forest!

Jane: -snarls- She stays HERE.

Emmett: So, are we gonna fight or not?

Athena: -slaps Emmett- "Gonna" is not a word!!

Emmett: -attempts to balance light bulb above head- OOh! I have an idea! runs inside

Edward: Well, there goes my thug.

Emmett: -comes back out in Britney Spears costume Britney Spears voice- Thug? Thug? This darling is not a thug!

Athena: -points to Emmett/Britney Cullen- Who are you supposed to be?

Emmett: I am Britney Spears, and I am queen of the world!!

Athena: The Elvis impersonation was better.

Emmett: -nods darts back inside-

Jane: -whiney voice- So are we going to fight or not?

Athena: -pounces on Edward-

Jane: YAY! -happy child laugh- -attacks Edward-

Edward: Oh noes! Emmett!

Athena: What does "noes" mean?

Edward: Not sure.

Jane: -giggles-

Athena: Then why did you use it?!

Edward: Not sure.

Athena: Are you going to say "not sure" whenever we ask you a question?

Edward: Not sure.

Athena: -frustrated scream-

Alice: Um, Jane, Edwardo? Nice.

Jane: -to Athena- Watch this. -to Edward- Hey, Edwardo, do you love Bella?

Edward: Not sure.

Bella: -screams so loud that Martians surely heard- WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??

Jane and Athena: -evil laugh-

Alice: -appreciative voice- Nice.

Jasper: Idiots!

Fangirls: Wow… Déjà vu.

3 Doors Down:

If I go crazy will you still call me Superman?

If I'm alive and well will you be there ah holding my hand?

I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might.

Kryptonite.

Emmett: -back in regular clothes- Where did you come from?

3 Doors Down: We're stuck in Athena's head.

Emmett: Um, okay? So is her power to make you appear or something?

3 Doors Down: No.

Emmett: Okay then. If you'll excuse me, I have to go flip through magazines to find a new "look".

Jane: So _that's_ what that was all about!

Muse:

Bury it  
I won't let you bury it  
I won't let you smother it  
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out  
Our time is running out  
You can't push it underground  
You can't stop it screaming out  
How did it come to this?  
Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oooh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah….!

Edward: -toneless voice- Let me guess. You're stuck in Athena's head.

Muse: Yes!

Athena: You may go now!

Muse and 3 Doors Down: -disappear-

Athena: So… what does everyone want to do now?

All: -speak at once-

Bella: Interrogate Edward!

Alice: Come up with more nicknames to annoy Edward! Edwardo, pure brilliance!

Jane: Finish the fight!

Edward: Not sure.

Emmett: -from house- Find a new "look"!

Rosalie: Look at myself in the mirror!

Jasper: Find out who the heck this is! -points to Athena-

Kyle: Find out what the hell is going on!

Carlisle: Buy myself a Lamborghini Murcielago!

Esme: Make Bella potatoes!

Jasper: -slaps Esme across the face-

Athena: -listens for a minute- -puts hands over ears- -screams- QQQQUUUUIIIIIEEEETTTT!!

All: -quiet down-

Athena: Everyone just go do what you want to do. Apparently we can come to no agreement. -angrily throws pom-poms at Alice runs away at vampire speed-

All: -go their own ways-

**A/N: What do you think? Please review! **

**And no, I'm not really a cheerleader. I don't have enough pep to be a cheerleader. And I don't have a Lamborghini Murcielago, either... I only wish. Sorry for the long conversation about them. **

**Other randomness is also probably not real.**

**Sorry it's so random. I couldn't help myself! **

**Any questions, include them in the review, please!  
**

**Happy Twilight Reading,**

**jANEvOLTURI**


	3. Costume Time!

**Ehh... not as much random silliness. Writer's Block is not a happy thing. R&R anyway? Pwease? -puppy dog eyes-**

Emmett: Yay! My turn!

Athena: …Your turn for what?

Emmett: A chapter, duh.

Athena: Oh, sorry, right.

Edward: Whatever, I'm just glad we're not slapping me anymore.

Athena: -slaps Edward-

Edward: AW, COME ON!

Alice: -giggles-

Cullen House: -starts magically shimmering-

Rosalie: =O

Alice: Le gasp!

Emmett: OMG!

Edward: Huh?

Carlisle: Don't be alarmed, kiddos! Our house is merely shimmering on the verge of existence! Not to worry, though, it will turn into a shopping mall when it stops shimmering!

Alice and Emmett: YAY!

Athena: Edward's room will become a music store, Alice's room and closet will become designer stores, you get it! And then a new wing will be added for many more stores!

All Except Jasper: Yay!

Jasper: Aw, crap.

Edward: What?

Jasper: My room's going to turn into a War Store, isn't it? I shouldn't have hidden all those weapons in there…

Alice: JASPER TRISTAN WHITLOCK CULLEN! YOU HID _WHAT_ IN OUR ROOM?

Jasper: Uh… nothing! -shimmers out of existence-

Rosalie: =O

Emmett: I didn't know Jasper's middle name was Tristan.

Edward: Me either.

Cullen House: -shimmers into a mall-

Emmett: Come on, Alice! Let's go get some shopping done!

Alice: Yay!

Edward: Why are we all saying yay so much?

Athena: Don't ask me, I just do what you all do.

Edward: Ha! Well then I will do what you do just to spite you because if you do what we do then it's only fair that one of us, the 'we', do what you do, so you can continue doing what we do and we can do what you do and then we'll all be doing the same thing! -evil laughter-

Rosalie: =O

Athena: I LOVE PINK! BELLA'S JUST A STUPID HUMAN! ROSALIE IS THE ONE FOR ME! -belly dance-

Edward: I LOVE PINK! BELLA'S JUST A STUPID HUMAN! ROSALIE IS THE ONE FOR ME! -belly dance-

Rosalie: =O

Esme: Where is Bella, anyway?

Bella: -shimmers into existence- EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU LOVE _WHAT_? I'M JUST W_HAT_? _WHO_ IS _WHAT_ FOR _WHO_? AND _BELLY DANCING_? REALLY, EDWARD?

Edward: No… Bella… I didn't mean it… I was just doing what…. SHE MADE ME DO IT! -points at Athena-

Bella: Oh don't you give me that Edward! -slaps Edward across the face-

Edward: I thought we were done with the slapping Edward across the face! -tearless sobs- Why must the world torture me so? Why must everyone hate me? -shimmers out of existence, replaced by EMO EDWARD!-

Bella: Ugh, take it like a man, creepers. -shimmers out of existence-

(Emo) Edward: -whispers to Athena- Do you know where any _really_ sharp blades are? The kind that cut vampire skin?

Athena: Ugh, you disgust me!

(Emo) Edward: How does that disgust you?

Athena: It just DOES okay? And I have decided to become Bella's friend, so when a boy hurts her deeply, I hate him so he gets double the hate! So ha!

(Emo) Edward: I… hurt… Bella? NO! -shimmers out of existence-

Rosalie: =O

Athena: I know! Take it like a man much? Anyway, do you think we can find a Jimmy Choo's store in this mall? Let's go before Alice buys them out! -grabs Rosalie's hand and runs-

Esme: So… Carlisle. Do you think we should get a pet?

Carlisle: OMG DEFINITELY THAT WOULD BE SO EFFING AWESOME!!! LET'S GO NOW!!!

Rosalie: =O

Carlisle: Alas! I thought you left, young Rosalie!

Athena: So now you know what they're like when you're not around. Now let's go find a Jimmy Choo's for real! -grabs Rosalie and rushes off-

Carlisle: -grabs Esme and rushes off-

Xx-xX-Xx-xX

Emmett: Have any ideas for my new look?

Alice: I don't know. You could go for punk rocker, or emo dude, or-

(Emo) Edward: -shimmers back into existence- OH DON'T YOU DARE GO FOR EMO DUDE! THAT'S ALL MINE! -shimmers back out of existence-

Alice: -blinks-

Emmett: AHA! YOU BLINKED!

Alice: …We weren't having a staring contest…?!

Emmett: YES WE WERE!

Alice: NO WE WEREN'T!

Emmett: YOU LIE! LIES ARE NOT GOOD! LIES ARE EVIL! PSYCHOPATHS AND SOCIOPATHS LIE! SO YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH OR SOCIOPATH! HUZZAH!

Alice: HOW DARE YOU! I WAS BORN FIRST, YOU KNOW! RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!

Emmett: Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Alice: That's more like it! Now, staring contest! -stares-

Emmett: -stares-

Athena: Okay, now let's be really quiet and see if we can sneak past Alice!

Alice: -sees Athena and Rosalie getting the shoes before her and blinks-

Emmett: AHA! YOU BLINKED! -happy dance-

Rosalie: =O

Alice: Respect your elders, mister! -attempts to slap Emmett across the face but ends up slapping (Emo) Edward, who shimmers into existence right in front of Emmett-

(Emo) Edward: Aw, man, I picked the wrong moment to shimmer into existence.

Bella's Voice: Edward? Edward? Edward!

(Emo) Edward: Bella? What's wrong?

Bella's Voice: Well, since I'm just a stupid human, I got stuck between existence and non-existence!

(Emo) Edward: Oh noes! Well-

Athena: -laughs and points at random shimmering light named Bella-

(Emo) Edward: HOW DARE YOU! -disassembles Athena-

Athena: -reassembles herself-

Jasper: -shimmers into existence and laughs and points at Athena-

Athena: -cries and shimmers out of existence-

Bella: Ah! Edward! You saved me!

Jasper: Actually, he di-

(Emo) Edward: -whispers in a voice only vampires can hear- Shh! Shut up! She doesn't know that Athena's shimmering out caused her to come back and it's going to stay that way!

Bella: Thank you, Edward.

(Emo) Edward: So… does this mean you don't hate me anymore?

Bella: Edward, I could never hate you!

(Emo) Edward: -is no longer emo-

Bella and Edward: -cheesy-

Breaking Dawn: -magically happens-

Bella: I'm a vampire!

Edward: I'm married!

Irina: I'm dead! -dies-

Jacob: I started a new pack!

Seth: I joined it!

Leah: Me too!

Embry: Me three!

Quil: Me four, after much consideration!

Rosalie: I don't hate Bella anymore!

Bella: I have my own house!

Edward: I'm born!

Rosalie: =O

Renesmee: Ugh, Daddy, you're stealing my lines!

Edward: Sorry, honey.

Renesmee: I'm born!

Jacob: I imprinted!

Renesmee: …You what? You mean to tell me that the only reason you didn't kill me was because you fell in love with me through force? You mean to tell me that you don't care for me, you just don't kill me because of old legends? HOW DARE YOU IMPRINT ON ME!

Jacob: I'm sorry! I promise not to imprint on any other girls until you're fifteen!

Renesmee: That can happen?

Jacob: Yep!

Renesmee: Oh. Then okay!

Edward: Yeah, you turn fifteen in three minutes.

Renesmee: Ugh! How dare you?! You disgust me, Jacob Black!

Jacob: I'm sorry! But I will keep my promise!

Renesmee: Fine. When I'm fifteen, I'll think about forgiving you.

Athena: Come on, May. Let's get our nails done. -grabs Renesmee and goes to find a nail place in the Cullen mall- **(A/N: 'May' is what Athena calls Renesmee.)**

Jasper: …I believe that working relationships are better based on fear than friendship!

Edward: Yeah, you missed your cue, dude.

Jasper: It's their fault! They were talking!

Edward: Save it.

Jasper: Respect your elders!

Athena: Yeah!

Jasper: _Ugh._ Go away, strange little girl.

Athena: …Strange little girl? I am not strange nor little!

Jasper: I SAID RESPECT YOUR ELDERS! THAT MEANS YOU!

Athena: -shimmers out of existence-

Renesmee: But… what about getting our nails done?

Alice: Here, I'll take you.

Renesmee: Sigh. I wish someone would teach me how to shimmer out of existence.

Emmett: Hey guys! We're not done with revealing Breaking Dawn spoilers yet!

Edward: -sighs- Fine.

Everyone: -is magically transported back-

Jasper: I believe that working relationships are better based on fear than on friendship!

Edward: And that's the last of-

Emmett: I GOT A NEW LOOK! -poses- **(A/N: Link in profile.)**

Rosalie: =O

Athena: That… didn't happen.

Emmett: Oh, as if you can talk, you're just an OC.

Athena: -bursts out crying- STEPHENIE MEYER HATES ME! -shimmers out of existence-

Esme: -whiney- A whole book went by and we didn't get a pet. I want to get a pet, Carlisle!

Carlisle: OK, come on, let's go.

Esme: Yay!

Edward: Really, bro, that new look is kind of disturbing.

Emmett: Oh, YOU'RE one to talk!

Edward: …How? I dress sanely.

Emmett: Oh, REALLY?

Edward: Really.

Emmett: Wait, wait, wait—you're saying I'm insane? NO! IT CAN'T BE! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS FATE?! -spontaneously combusts-

Edward: -sigh- Hence the insane.

Emmett: -spontaneously uncombusts- I WANNA SING A SONG!

Athena: -shimmers back into existence- OKAY! -sings- Esme got run over by a reindeer…

Esme VO From the Pet Store: Hey! I FIND THAT VERY OFFENSIVE!

Emmett: Merry Christmas!

Edward: It's February.

Emmett: Details, details.

Edward: Bella! I have an idea!

Bella: What would that be, Edward?

Edward: I want to tell a story!

Bella: …Umm, sure?

Edward: Once upon a time—

Bella: Wait, wait, wait. Do we REALLY have to start with 'once upon a time'?!

Edward: You are right! This is not a fairytale! It's an upside down fairytale! So I must tell it upside down! Once upon a time, there was a girl named B—

Bella: Oh, my goodness! How I dearly hope you're not about to say Bella! -looks over balcony in random soap opera moment-

Edward: B…Bageshwari!

Bella: Bageshwari?

Edward: Yes, Bageshwari!

Bella: Oh, dear. Here we go.

Renesmee: Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY! I SAID MOMMY!

Bella: What?!

Renesmee: Look at my nails! Aren't they pretty!

Bella: Why do they have pictures of walruses on them?

Renesmee: They're not walruses! How could you say that? They're werewolves! It's Jacob!

Jacob: I'm on your nails?

Bella: -giggles- JACOB THE WALRUS!

Rosalie: =O

Edward: Fo' shizzle!

Athena: I'm dearly concerned for the sake of all of our sanities.

Emmett: I wanna sing another song!

Athena: Okay! You start this time.

Emmett: Okay… Vamp-Wolf, Vamp-Wolf, Vamp-Wolf rock, vampires hunt and werewolves hate—

Jacob: Feedin' and patrollin' up hate and love—

Bella: Now the Vamp-Wolf rock has begun—

Athena: Merry Christmas!

Emmett: Hey! We weren't done yet!

Athena: I know. But that song's in serious need of a re-write.

Jacob: I find that very offensive.

Athena: Yeah, but no one cares what you think, Jakeypoo. JAKEYPOOHBEAR!

Bella: Eh, I like Jacob the Walrus more.

Athena: EMMYPOOHBEAR!

Bella: That I like a lot. JACOB THE WALRUS AND EMMYPOOHBEAR FOREVER!

Athena: Hence my concern for the sake of all of our sanities.

Renesmee: Hehe… you're right, they do look like walruses! I'M IN LOVE WITH A WALRUS!

Edward: -whispering- Alice, it's time!

Alice: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENESMEE!

Renesmee: Huh?

Alice: It's your fifteenth birthday!

Renesmee: Oh. Yay!

Jacob: Now I am FREE! -disappears out of this madness-

Renesmee: Where's he going?

Edward: To Seattle.

Renesmee: Why, pray tell, would he do that?

Edward: To imprint.

Renesmee: -le gasp- How dare he!

Rosalie: =O

Edward: Ooh, look who came to the party! BAGESHWARI!

Renesmee: Um, what? Who? Where? Why? When? How?

Edward: Bageshwari is my bestest friend in the whole world!

Bella: Friend… how good of a friend?

Edward: I just said how good!

Alice: -singsongy- Somebody's jealous…

Bella: I AM NOT JEALOUS!!!

Emmett: STYROFOAM!

Rosalie: =O

Everyone Else: …

Emmett: I just realized something!

Alice: What?

Emmett: I can say whatever I want, and everyone in a hearing range will hear it! POTATO PEELINGS!

Bella: You just realized this?

Emmett: FO' SHIZZLE, HOMESKILLET!

Athena: And yet this completely pointless and mindless fanfic drags on after it should be over many pages ago.

Emmett: UTOPIA!!!

Bageshwari: He confuzzles me.

Edward: BAGESHWARI! YOU MADE IT!

Bageshwari: No I didn't. -disappears-

Edward: Bageshwari! No! SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING! -collapses-

Bella: I thought I was your everything!

Edward: No, Bageshwari was, didn't you hear? I just shouted she was my everything and collapsed. If I meant Bella I would have said Bella.

EMMETT: HERE COMES THE MANATEE!

Ronald: Me?

EMMETT: YES, YOU!

Ronald: Why are you all in caps?

EMMETT: BECAUSE I'M EPIC! DUH! DID YOU NOT SEE THAT, YOU SILLY LITTLE MANATEE?!

Ronald: Oh. Why am I talking?

Bella: What kind of question is that?

Ronald: Well, for one, I'm a dog.

EDWARD: I WANNA BE EPIC TOO!

EMMETT: WELL, I WANT A PINK PONY NAMED BALLERINA, SO I GUESS WE'RE BOTH DISAPPOINTED.

Rosalie: And yet again… =O

Athena: Yeah, seriously, what's with all the =O-ing?

Rosalie: There have been way too many =O moments.

Athena: Yeah, you're right. We'll see you next time on THE INCREDIBLE DYSFUCTION: VAMPIRE EDITION!

**Weird ending.... Anyway. THOU SHALT REVIEW! Please?**


	4. First AN Chapter :

A/N – First A/N chapter, so no killings allowed!

Hello readers! Mad at Jacob? I KNOW; I AM TOO! No worries, though! It shall all be resolved!

Anyway. It would seem I'm having computer trouble, so the next chapter might be slightly delayed. But if you review and answer my question, I'll update faster!

I need theme songs for the Cullens, pack, Volturi, etc. I have Emmett's and Jacob's, but I really need the rest of the Cullens', and possibly a few pack members or Volturi members. Thanks in advance and love from the author!

-JV-


	5. Famous!

**A/N: R&R! **

**Also, I would much appreciate ideas from you guys! I'm kind of running out of them! I mean, I've got a couple... but not really too many. Sigh. So put ideas in review and I'll dedicate the your-idea-chapter to you!**

Emmett: Ah, that was a fun episode!

Edward: Um… yeah…. Sorry, I can't hear you over that OUTFIT. Are you ever going to take it off?

Emmett: What?!-No! Where'd you ever get a crazed idea like that? FLORIDA? **(A/N: No offense, Floridians. Seriously, I live there myself. Am I crazy? Don't answer that.)**

Rosalie: Seriously, Emmett. Take it off.

Emmett: Well, Rose! You're acting all bossy, like it's your episode now!

Rosalie: Well, we haven't decided whose episode it's going to be now, so it's pretty much anyone's to be bossy with if they want to!

Emmett: Well, you're sure taking the opportunity!

Edward: I think it should be Rosalie's episode now!

Athena: I agree!

Alice: Me too!

Jasper: Me three!

Carlisle: Me five!

Esme: What happened to 'me four?'

Carlisle: Well, you were supposed to say that, but you didn't, so I had to say my line!

Rosalie: YES! WE ALL LOVE ME! All right! I mean, uh, duh!

Athena: So, Rose, what are you planning on doing for your episode?

Rosalie: I'm thinking of maybe becoming famous. I'm sick of being stuck out of the spotlight! It's so demeaning! I WANNA BE FAMOUS! -sobs-

Esme: Oh, Rose, hun, you know we can't do that.

Rosalie: I don't care! IT'S MY EPISODE AND I'LL SPEND IT AS I LIKE!

Carlisle: Fine!

Rosalie: Fine!

Carlisle: But I hate you!

Rosalie: And I hate you!

Carlisle and Rosalie: -drama drama-

XxX

Non-Evil Narrarator: Later, in Hollywood, in their brand-new house stolen from Hillary Duff…

Edward: HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT?

Esme: What?

Edward: I GOT A ROLE!

Esme: What role?

Edward: Robert Pattinson! In this fakumentary where they're making this movie called 'Twilight' but then everybody becomes possessed by the characters!

Esme: …That sounds like the worst idea, ever.

Edward: -emo tears-

Esme: Yeah, cry your emo tears, emo boy…. -walks up stairs strangely-

Edward: Staples – That was odd.

Alice: EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD GUESS WHAT EDWARD?

Edward: -le sigh- What?

Alice: I GOT TO BE COSTUME DESIGNER FOR A FILM!

Edward: -le sigh- What film?

Alice: It's called Possessed and it's about the making of a movie called Twilight but then all the actors get possessed by the characters!

Edward: -le sigh- NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! I'M STARRING IN THAT SAME FILM!

Bella: Oh my god, Edward! Did you just say you were starring in Possessed? I AM TOO!

Edward: -le sigh- OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! Hey, isn't it weird that all the characters of the characters have the same names as us? I wonder if we all get to star in the movie!

Alice: Guess what?

Edward: What?

Alice: The director just texted me, and he wants me to be in it as well! As Ashley Greene!

Emmett: Hey, guys! Guess what?

Bella: What what?

Emmett: I got a job as a professional wrestler AND an actor! I'm playing Kellan Lutz in Possessed! This is the BEST day EVER!

Edward: -le sigh- Now this is just too weird. I'm going upstairs to learn my lines! -goes upstairs-

Rosalie: Guess what guess what GUESS WHAT!

Bella: Ooh! I know this one! You got a job as Nikki Reed on Possessed?

Rosalie: No! I found a used lollipop stuck to the floor! -holds out lollipop- But, yeah, I did.

Bella: It's surprising, the way you ordered your news….

Edward: -comes flying down the stairs- -theme music plays-

Bella: Umm… Edward dear, what would that theme music BE?

Edward: Uh… da da-a-a-a-a da da da da-a-a-a da da da da da da da da-a-a-a-a da da da da da da da da-a-a-a-a da da da –

Rosalie: Umm… Edward dear, isn't that copyright infringement?

Edward: What? Why'd you call me 'dear'? Have you finally realized my secret love for you?

Rosalie: No, Bella's going on strike until shooting and asked the rest of us to say her lines. But the question is, isn't that copyright infringement?

Emmett: Huzzah! Copyright infringement!

Rosalie: What is it now?

Emmett: Huzzah! Infringement is a funny word!

Rosalie: In what way?

Emmett: I don't know. But I put the fun in infringement!

Rosalie: There's no fun in infringement?

Emmett: Ah, that's what YOU think.

Rosalie: Grr! Stop stealing my episode! Now everybody act like I'm the queen of the world!

Edward: Brat.

Edward: Meaniepoo.

Emmett: Was that for Bella?

Edward: Yeah.

Emmett: Oh. Party pooper!

Alice: Diva!

Esme: --

Rosalie: What part of 'act like I'm the queen' didn't you understand?

Emmett: OH NOES! DID WE OFFEND YOU?! MY DEAR ROSALIE!!!

Rosalie: That's more like it.

Edward: Hell-o! My theme song? I've got a new idea! It's a fabulous one!

Alice: OK, how's it go?

Edward: You're never going to believe how genius it is!

Alice: All right, lay it on us.

Edward: Oh, ho ho! It's pure brilliance!

Alice: JUST SING IT ALREADY!  
Edward: All right, all right, woman! You act like I was saying random irrelevant stuff!

Alice: You kind of w—

Edward: Dadada da dadadada! (A/N: Think The Veronicas – Take me on The Floor.)

Alice: Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Alice: And very girly.

Esme: Very right, Bella. Very right.

Jasper: I ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE A THEME SONG NOW!!! I'M SO JEALOUS OF YOU, EDWARD! YOU'RE ALWAYS THE FAVORITE! AND YOU GOT BELLA!

Athena: What? What do you mean, Edward got me? Is that a bad thing? Why? Are you in love with me?

Jasper: No, I'm not in love with you, you stupid narcissistic OC. Ugh! OCs these days! You know, it used to be that if there was as story with OCs, the OCs would respect the Canons and keep their place! But no-o-o, not anymore. Now, if you're an OC, you get just as much air time as the Canons! You can do whatever they can do! I say, what is it with these OC Rights rallies? They're completely off track! You need to keep the Canons above the OCs in status, or else chaos will break loose! Chaos, I tell you! CHAOS!

Crickets: Chirp chirp.

Athena: While we all appreciated your… _enthusiastic _speech, I was actually speaking for Bella.

Jasper: Oh. What was the question again?

Athena: -rolls eyes and leaves, replaced by Jacob-

Jacob: Whoo! Finally made it! You guys were hard to track! It was almost like you didn't want me to come!

Rosalie: Evidently we didn't do a good enough job of it. -goes upstairs dramatically-

Jasper: We get rid of one pain, we get another! Ugh! I just want my theme song.

Alice: OKAY AS LONG AS I CAN HAVE ONE TOO BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR IF YOU HAD ONE AND I DIDN'T IT WOULD BE SEXIST JASPER TRISTAN WHITLOCK CULLEN HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!

Jasper: I didn't!

Alice: You were going to!

Never bet against Alice.

Alice: -le gasp- Who said that?

Renesmee: Mommy, duh! She found a way around her strike.

Jacob: Umm…

Renesmee: -le gasp- HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE! GET OUT!

Jacob: Nessie! I was only kidding, Nessie! Nessie, how could you think that I would do something like that, Nessie? Nessie, really, Nessie?

Are you _purposely_ trying to annoy me with my daughter's so-called nickname?

Renesmee: LIKELY STORY! GET OUT!

Cassandra: How dare you! You don't deserve him! It was _so_ sad-making when he imprinted on you, because you don't deserve him in the slightest bit! He's mine! All mine!

Jacob: Well… Nessie… are you sure that there's no chance you might forgive me?

Renesmee: There is absolutely _no chance in hell_.

Jacob: But what about here on Earth?

Renesmee: JAKE!

Jacob: Fine! -unimprints on Renesmee- -imprints on Cassandra-

Alice: Who is this Cassandra anyway?

Athena: Why, she's the very epitome of awesomeness!

Jasper: THEME SONG! MINE!

Alice: ONLY IF YOU LET ME HAVE! MINE!

Jasper: FINE! MINE!

ALICE: OKAY, THEN! MINE!

Whoops. Capsicasps.

Edward: Bella, dear, it's fine if you refuse to speak in script format, but can you at least un-invisible yourself?

I'm not invisible-ing myself….

Edward: YES YOU ARE!

NO I'M NOT!

Edward: YES YOU ARE!

NO I'M NOT!

Alice: -le gasp- EDWARD MUST BE BLIND!

Edward: -le gasp- I MUST BE BLIND!

-le gasp- HE MUST BE BLIND!

Jacob: -le gasp- THAT'S SO FUNNY!

MEANIPOO! My husband is having a CRISIS right now and all you can do is INSULT him?! You disgust me, that slimey, disgusting werewolf Black!!!

Athena: STOP DOING THAT I TOOK IT OFF!

What?

Athena: STOP STEALING MY PHRASE I DON'T HATE JACOB ANYMORE. GOD, YOUR HUSBAND'S BLIND AND YOU'RE DEAF! YOU SICKN ME!

I don't get it.

Cassandra: I DO!

Athena: THANK YOU!

Jasper: Now could we please all listen to my—

OH NO! JASPER!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING!!!

Jasper: How do you know I'm talking, then?

I'M NOT BLIND, YOU IDIOT!

Jasper: Wait! You just responded to—

I'M DEAF! I'M DEAF! I'M DEAF AND MY HUSBAND'S BLIND! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ORDER IN THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE WORLD?!

Edward: Bella dear, it's not THAT bad.

IT IS THAT BAD NOW STOP FEELING AROUND BLINDLY YOU IDIOT OR I'LL GET A DIVORCE!

Edward: -whispering- Alice, I think it's somebody's time of the month…

I DON'T HAVE A TIME OF THE MONTH SINCE YOU CHANGED ME! GAH! HOW COULD YOU!

Edward: Let me remind you that YOU BEGGED ME, and—

JASPER: LET'S JUST HEAR MY THEME SONG ALREADY!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: FINE!

Edward: FINE!

Jasper: F—oh, let's just hear it already! -sings Feelings- (A/N: Link in profile. This is THE corniest song. Ever.)

Umm… bravo, loserface? I'm GLAD I couldn't hear that. -leaves-

Alice: MY TURN MY TURN MY TURN! -sings- We represent the lollipop league, the lollipop league, the lollipop league! And on behalf of the lollipop league (!) we'd like to welcome you to munchkinland.

Emmett: Well, if you're going to sing it, you have to do the dance!

Alice: -sigh- FINE!

Emmett: And I half to go next!

Alice: -sigh- FINE! -does the dance and sings- We represent the lollipop league, the lollipop league, the lollipop league! And on behalf of the lollipop league (!) we'd like to welcome you to munchkinland.

Emmett: OKAY OKAY MY TURN! -model pose- -struts down runway and sings I'm Too Sexy-

-back- I WANT A TURN

Emmett: But was mine good or WHAT?!

Whatever, I WANT A TURN!

Emmett: But was mine good or what?

I SAID I WANT A TURN, SOLICITOR!

Emmett: Fine! Here's your stage, Helen Keller.

-sings Clumsy by Fergie- (A/N: If you don't know this song, go look up the lyrics. It's PERFECT!!! THANK YOU OBSESSEDWITHEDWARD!!!)

Edward: Oh, Bella! Now I realize that you really are in love with me! Thank you for expressing your true feelings through song!

What? No, that song was for Fred! -trips off stage into Fred's arms-

Edward: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Alice: -whispers- What do you want to bet he's in denial?

And I leave with a killer parting ling: Never bet against Alice! -leaves with Fred-

Edward: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go up to my room and be emo.

Athena: Ugh. Again?! How many times are you going to try to be emo for the haters before you realize it ain't yo' jive, homeskillet?

Edward: Talk to me…

Athena: I think you should become a famous French-door-maker and win your love back!

Edward: How will that help—

Athena: -is being paid by the Edward haters-

Edward: NO I WAS BETRAYED!!!

Athena: Oh… darn! Who betrayed you!

Edward: SCOUNDREL! IT WAS—hey, where'd you go?

Athena: Umm, you're blind? You can't see me to begin with?

Bella: I'M SORRY EDWARD! I LIED! FRED IS AN ACTOR I HIRED TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU (blah, blah, blah…)

Edward: Strangely, I believe you. Come on! Let's go skydiving and get a couples' massage!

Andy: -appears- Like me! -disappears- (A/N: I don't own The Office, either. Frown.)

Rosalie: I wanna go for a walk!

Carlisle: But it's sunny and we sparkle!

Athena: Seriously, Carly! Where've you been all chapter?

Carlisle: UM. NOWHWERE. THE BEACH. IT'S WINTER. HOME. YOU _ARE_ HOME. SHUT UP, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE.

Athena: What? Oh, and by the way, if you let us go for a walk, I'll give you my Lamborghini Murcielago! The one I know you loved a couple chapters ago!

Carlisle: WALKS AHOY!

Athena: -to Rosalie- And _that_ is how you get what you want.

Rosalie: We always have to give him Lamborghini Murcielagos?

Athena: -sigh- Just go for the walk, 'kay?

All: -try to step through the door at once- -FAIL.-

Rosalie: It's my chapter! I'm going first!

All Except Rosalie: -grumble- FINE!

Bella: Isn't it a pretty day? I love walks! -sparkle sparkle-

Random Little Boy: GRAMA GRAMA LOOK AT THEIR SKIN!

Random Little Boy's Grandmother: -to RLB- Shh! -to the vampires- I'm sorry, my grandson – my daughter in law hasn't taught him any manners yet.

Edward: -whispering so that the humans cannot hear- Jasper, you can't eat him because he pointed at you.

Jasper: -sticks tongue out-

Esme: That's okay, Random Little Boy's Grandmother!

Random Little Boy's Grandmother: Ummm… thanks.

Random Cow In The Middle of the Park: Moo…

Emmett: Hey! Let's go prank call someone!

All Vampires, Jake, and Cass: -rush home-

Phone: Bringalingaling!

Emmett: Hello?

Hannah: Who is this?

Emmett: Who is this? -presses speaker-

Destiny: Who is this?

Edward: -southern accent- Y'all, I got cows to be tendin'—

Bella: -cowlike- Moo!

Edward: …and Jumby really wants to be born now, so if y'all'd just hang up and call later, that'd be better.

Hannah: Who is this?

Rosalie: -southern accent- Y'ALL ARE COMMUNISTS!

Destiny: Hey! I mean, who is this?

Carlisle: -southern accent- JUMBY WANTS TO BE BORN NOW!

Hannah: Stupid farmer people! You really need a bath! I can smell you through the phone!

Alice: -southern accent- wtf -slaps herself- NO TEXT LANGUAGE!

Destiny: Okay… I can see you've got your little inside jokes here… we're just gonna hang up.

Renesmee: -southern accent- OH NO YOU AREN'T, LITTLE LADIES! YOU WILL WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Hannah: Why the National Guard?

Renesmee: -KGB accent- WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!

Destiny: OH MY GAWD IT'S THE KGB!!! RUN!!! -hangs up phone and runs-

All: -normal voices-

Renesmee: Ha ha ha… that was fun.

Athena: But now it's time for filming, so bye-bye! -waves-

**A/N: Haha. More Hannah and Destiny coming soon, promise!**

**So basically, if you didn't pick up on it, Hannah is bossy and Destiny is... ditzy.**

**Oh, and thanks/sorry, Lucy. I kind of stole that weird prank call you got from random people, and then you got THEM to hang up.**

**Anyway. Review!**

**-air kisses- KAYTHANKSBAI**

**-JV-**


End file.
